I’ve been on a questionable food bender for the last 48 hours. How have I committed sacrilege against the temple of my body? Let me count the ways:

ONE) The Twitters were circulating with rumours that Gig’s Grillhouse had new super-spicy wings called “Disclaimer,” which require a disclaimer before eating them. Obviously I had to check those out.

The waiter very seriously told us that he’d have to see our licenses before ordering the wings. He copied our deets into a rather lengthy disclaimer form that waived all of Gig’s responsibility if we got sick or exploded or murdered someone by smothering them in the corrosive sauce. After we’d all signed, the gloves came out.

Like really, they made us wear rubber gloves while eating them.

Of course, it was more theatrics than anything. The wings were some of the spiciest I’ve ever had, and did make my lips feel like I just made out with an alien, but they were bearable. And the pleasant surprise was that they had a good amount of flavour in addition to the heat.

The main worry was what they would do to my insides later, and that did not disappoint. It took about 12 hours, but the next morning, I … well … I hope nobody needed that bathroom at work for a while.

Despite my intestinal trauma:

TWO) Indian buffet at Massey’s Fine Indian Cuisine for lunch. Delicious, but not kind to a stomach that has already half eaten away by spice. Then later that day:

THREE) The McRib is back! The illusion that McDonald’s rib-shaped pork burger is only around for a limited time, never to come back, gets me every time. I shoved my face all over that ribby goodness as if it were the love of my life leaving on a jet plane.

I had big plans for all sorts of fun things to kick off the long weekend last night. I got dressed, got on my shoes, left my apartment, took two steps, then realized something was wrong with my insides and leaving was not practical. I spent the rest of the night in a solitary self-loathing huddle.

Ah but why learn from my mistakes, because today, FOUR) It’s Canada Day, and thus the perfect day for the Great Canadian Bacon Fest. I’m so looking forward to the variety of bacon creations. I got a preview of the bacon cupcakes (apparently free at the event), and the combination of chocolate and bacon is something I’m surprised isn’t a breakfast staple yet.

I am going to eat so much bacon that I will be sweating grease and crying tears of meat.

See also: Review: KFC Double Down.