When the Double Down was announced on April 1st, many people thought it was either a prank or the downfall of human civilization. Consisting of two battered and deep-fried chicken breasts embracing cheese, bacon, and “the colonel’s secret sauce” (stop hitting on me colonel), it’s like everything unhealthy stuffed together in one big gob.
So when I got a car this morning1, the first thing I did with my newfound freedom was get myself to the nearest KFC. There aren’t any near where I live, so the greasy monstrosity had been taunting me from afar for weeks.
You are probably wondering: how is it? Did I cry tears of shame upon its completion? How many heart attacks have I had since?
First, let me describe the chicken-bunned “sandwich” in less sensationalist terms: it is two small, breaded chicken breasts, two slices of cheese, and one slice of bacon, together. That is all it is. That is all it tastes like. It will not make you feel sick unless you mentally ready your gag reflex because the media told you to. And it will not make you fat.
At 540 calories, here are some things that will get you fat as quick or quicker than a Double Down will2:
- Two KFC original recipe chicken breasts with nothing on them (640 Kcal).
- A grilled cheese sandwich (550 Kcal).
- Calamari (720 Kcal).
- Eight chicken wings. Without sauce (950 Kcal).
- Nachos. No, scratch that: one quarter of a plate of nachos (2160 Kcal).
- A venti eggnog latte from Starbucks (610 Kcal).
- A salad (chicken, bacon bits, guacamole, feta, croutons, and honey citrus dressing) (550 Kcal).
So if you’re at the bar, downing a plate of nachos over a few beers, gabbing about how terrible the Double Down is, realize that you just stuffed 4 or 5 Double Downs’ worth of calories down your pie hole. If you have a latte in the morning and a salad for lunch, you would have been better off with two mystery-sauce-covered meatwhiches jammed in your face. You’re doing it wrong.
“Oooh, but it has way more sodium than anything else,” I hear you saying. But no. It doesn’t. Look it up. Also, why am I hearing your voice in my head? Could this be love?
Anyway, fast food paranoia is as dumb as any other media-fueled conspiracy theory, and falls apart under scrutiny. See also: the McDonalds burger that never rots because of magic chemicals they put in it (spoiler alert: no they don’t). The Double Down is meat and cheese. It tastes like meat and cheese. Nothing more, nothing less. Nom up.
1 That is correct; I got a car and a Double Down and chose to write about the chicken.
2 These numbers are from the web sites of Kelsey’s, KFC, and Starbucks.