Why You Shouldn’t Date or Hire Michael Bolton

So I’ve had the Michael Bolton song Said I Loved You But I Lied stuck in my head for a week (mostly thanks to EvilFlu). This has given me some time to analyze the lyrics.

Here is the song’s big twist (SPOILER ALERT):

Said I loved you but I lied
‘Cause this is more than love I feel inside
Said I loved you but I was wrong
‘Cause love could never ever feel so strong

Hrm. Here’s the thing: “More than love” is not really what you want from a romantic partner. Love is the goal; the defining feature of a successful relationship. Once Michael Bolton loves you, you’ve hit the maximum. “More than love” is likely to be creepy obsession, neediness, or some bizarre fetish. Since Bolton lied about love, all that’s left is the weirdness. And the fact that he’s a liar.

If you fall for this song, you will probably soon find Michael Bolton in a tree outside your house, dressed in a giant baby bonnet and diaper.

TAKE YOUR MULLET ELSEWHERE SIR.

It’s similar to someone expressing that they will “give 110%.” Let’s say I’m interviewing someone for a job, and he tells me he will put 110% of his effort into his work. This immediately tells me that he is: A) Bad with math; and B) Not very good at judging his own quantity of effort. Because if he reaches 100% of his effort, then goes 10% further, all that means is what he thought was 100% was lower than 100%. He said he gave 100%, but he lied.

I’d rather hear “I’ll give 80% effort, with the other 20% devoted to being lazy, distracted, or spiteful.” Because that’s realistic, and probably more effort than most people actually put towards anything.

So watch your maximums, people. Furthermore, get out of my dreams, and into my life.

———-

P.S. The video for this song is actually pretty amazing:

Get it? There are flames, because he cleverly compares love to a flame in the song. And horses, because… horses are fucking cool. Fuck yeah.

aksldfj


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13 responses to “Why You Shouldn’t Date or Hire Michael Bolton”

  1. Blondie Avatar

    haha “spoiler alert”

    Everytime I hear about Michael Bolton I can't help but think about Office Space.

    Like

  2. sarah Avatar

    Now the song is in my head. Everything about this video is super creepy!

    Like

  3. carissajaded Avatar

    Oh woah, I never thought about this but you are so right! Now I don't trust anything he has told me. So I must ask.. What REALLY happens when a man loves a woman? Does he not turn his back on his best friend? Does he not sleep out in the rain?

    You may have just completely destroyed my vision of the universe Mike.

    AND I have that fricking song in my head!

    Like

  4. DeLARA Avatar

    dad jeans!

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  5. Phronk Avatar

    Blondie: Same here. There is actually an Office Space reference very cleverly hidden in this post.

    sarah: Bwahah. This song will be in everyone's head soon.

    carissa: When a Michael Bolton loves a woman, baby baby please, treat him bad. He's been a real bad boy.

    DeLARA: Haha! They so are!

    Like

  6. lori Avatar

    hahaha. This post is my favourite part of Tuesday… so far. My favourite line:

    “This immediately tells me that he is: A) Bad with math…”

    Like

  7. Tatiana Avatar

    It's funny you should mention work capacity, because it's my personal motto to never work harder than at 60% capacity. Now, I'm fast and good, (as well as modest), so my 60% is a bit above average, and it accomplished 2 things: allows me to slack plenty so I don't feel shafted by the very fact that I have to work; AND leaves me with plenty of capacity should there be a crisis to handle. Win-win for everyone.

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  8. Dan Avatar
    Dan

    And he's apparently working on a song with Weezer…

    I'm a huge fan of getting by at work with the bare minimum. If no one expects anything of you then you can't possibly disappoint anyone!!!

    Like

  9. Phronk Avatar

    Lori: Oh know, your poor Tuesday.

    Tatiana: Haha, I have a similar philosophy. I figured that frequent breaks and distractions are necessary for being efficient when I do finally get around to working. Otherwise I'd be sluggish and unhappy.

    Dan: That's Kenny G. But as I was discussing with Nikki, they're pretty much the same person, since everyone gets them confused. I seriously can't picture Kenny G, because I just see Michael Bolton instead.

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  10. shine Avatar

    The only place where more than 100% makes any sense is in organic chemistry lab, and even then it means, “You FUCKED UP.”

    Also, I hate you for getting this stuck in my head. Like, a lot.

    (I said I hate you, but I lied…)

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  11. Dan Avatar
    Dan

    Wait, there's a difference between the two? Guess that explains why he wasn't playing the clarinet in the video..

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  12. EVILFLU Avatar

    Michael Bolton helped me get through some rough shit. Well not really rough shit, more like a grade 7 break-up…but still! I listened to “Said I loved you but I lied” on repeat when I went to bed.

    I think what everyone is failing to realize here is that:
    1) He has great hair
    2) His chest hair and shirt unbuttoned to his belly button is something to be completely jealous of
    3) He has horses and mountains and makeout sessions with hot chicks and walking on water in his video…that's like the Chuck Norris of music videos right there.

    *sigh* but what can I say, Phronk has opened my eyes to how Michael Bolton is a liar, a manipulator and not very good at math. He is definitely not dateable…and that is sad. For that alone, I must thank you for opening my eyes to the evil that is Michael Bolton.

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  13. Hey Lady! Avatar

    Kenny G, Michael Bolton, whatever. The two of them should get a show together in Vegas, like Siegfried & Roy.

    Like