I’m Not a Fan

You know how most bathrooms have a fan in the ceiling? Do those actually go anywhere? Or are they just there to make noise to cover up farts?

It’s like, I’ve never done this, but in a public washroom, if your friend has to go make a loud poop, you can keep the hand dryer running so nobody else hears it. I hear this is why girls travel to the bathroom in packs.

Or like, in my kitchen, there’s a fan in the hood above the stove. You’d think it sucks air up into a vent that leads somewhere outside. But no, upon closer examination, it becomes clear that the fans just vent air out of an opening about an inch above the hood itself. All it does, then, is take hot air and scalding steam and choking smoke rising from the stove and spit it out a bit higher up; at about eye level. Maybe bathroom fans are kinda like that, except useful in their noise-obscuring abilities. The one on my stove not so much, because I rarely fart in the kitchen.

Actually I never fart, but that’s a story for another post.

In conclusion: if a silent bathroom fan was invented, nobody would buy it.

Stay thirsty my friends.





11 responses to “I’m Not a Fan”

  1. Tigerlily Avatar

    I grew up in an old house with no overhead fans at all. I have never found them to be useful regardless of the fact that my roommate was constantly turning them off and on.

    Same thing with thermostats, same roommate used to move it minuscule amounts because it was too hot or too cold. Best I could do growing up was through another log on the fire. To this day I don't bother with any of them.


  2. Dan Avatar

    I don't know about apartment buildings but to have a house built to code, to pass a building inspection in other words, the fans, bathroom and oven, have to vent outside.
    But maybe you should burn things on the stove?
    And I have no problem farting in your place with the fan off. Just so you know..


  3. EVILFLU Avatar

    Silly Phronk, girls don't fart!!

    I always thought those fans were to get rid of the stinky smell faster…but then when there is a stinky smell and those fans are operating, I really don't think the smell goes away any quicker..so that is probably not right.


  4. Phronk Avatar

    Tigerlily: Must be nice not having to worry about temperature. I'm a bit like that too. I've only had to whip out fans a few times this summer even without air conditioning.

    Dan: Yes, I've noticed you have no problem with farting. Anywhere. Good to know that they're at least supposed to lead somewhere. I'm really not sure about my stove one though. It might actually vent out the back, but it feels like most air just blows straight out the front.

    EvilFlu: Yeah I've never noticed a smell difference. Maybe someone should do a double blind smell study to test it out. The fan does help with the shower fogging up the mirror though.


  5. Jackie Avatar

    Its for defogging the mirror AND the stove fan thingy SHOULD be connected to a hose that sucks that air out of the house but most arent they do help to clear smoke tho. AND girls go to the bathroom in pairs because theyre talking about you.


  6. Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness Avatar

    If you use the catchphrase of the most interesting man in the world then yes you DO fart. Only your farts smell like Old Spice and Sandlewood.


  7. Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness Avatar

    Oh, and Phronk, I know your secret.


  8. Phronk Avatar

    Jackie: Oh no! What are they saying about me??

    Cal: I'd fart all the time if that were the case.


  9. Phronk Avatar

    My secret? Which one?


  10. Hey Lady! Avatar

    I hate the bathroom fan BECAUSE of the noise it makes. I hate taking a shower with that fan on because someone could sneak up on me and I wouldn't hear them coming, yes the sound of the water running also muffles the sounds of encroaching foot steps,but the damn fan makes it worse. And everyone farts, dude, even you.


  11. aimee adler Avatar

    Girls totally do fart-not me, though. Dave's been trying to catch me at it for over three years, and he hasn't yet. He's worse than Cap'n Ahab about it. I'm just not very gassy, I guess.

    An actress friend of mine (and no, that is not just a convenient euphemism for “me”) used to purposely make as much noise in public bathrooms as possible. It made her angry that some women go silent when someone else enters a public bathroom, (some won't even move or leave the stall-like we don't know they're in there, or what they're doing anyway…*eyeroll*), so she would pointedly make as much noise as possible. HILARIOUS, usually.


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