The thing about internet memes is that they’re not real life memes. I’d like to change that. What I will do is, wherever I go, I’ll take a portable CD player with speakers (known to cool people as a boombox, or ghetto blaster), with the following tracks on it:

Track 1: Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up”

This is for when people ask why I’m carrying around a ghetto blaster. I will reply, “because I just attended a philosophy lecture in which I heard the most thought-provoking passage, and I felt a strong motivation to record it and share it with the world because, verily, it did change my life.” Then I play track 1, and I’m all like, “Rick rolled, fucker! Hahaha, no, come back, listen to the whole thing! COME BACK FUCKER!”

P.S. Here is a very interesting video about argyroneta aquatica, the only known spider to live under water.

Track 2: The Keyboard Cat Song, by Keyboard Cat

Because life is full of so much FAIL, that it would be a shame to confine it to the internet. Keyboard cat’s role is uncertain; is he mocking people who fail at life? Is he trying to make them feel better with a song? Or is he literally playing them off, trying to make them leave the stage like the music playing over a too-long speech at the Oscars? Perhaps we will never know, but I do know that whenever I see an old lady trip on the curb, or a bartender drop a glass, or someone struggling to push open the PULL door, track 2 is coming out.

Track 3: Yakety Sax (The Benny Hill Theme)

Because everything is funnier with the Benny Hill theme.

If you have no idea what I’m blabbing about:

• Know your meme: Rickroll
• Play him off, keyboard cat
• Jesus, you know what the Benny Hill theme is.