I had a dream last night that I came home and found a wooden pole staked into the front lawn of my house, and tied to this pole was a notice that I had won $450 in the lottery.
When I woke up, I heard on the radio that Lotto 6/49 is up to 32 million dollars. Since my dream was precognitive in some sense, I’m buying a lottery ticket in hopes that the winning part will come true too. Here is what I will do when I win:
- Buy a full gas mask and pink hazmat suit. Attach little piggy ears to it. Also: a little curly tail. Go about my daily chores with it on. If anyone asks, I’m just doing my part to prevent swine flu.
- Place barrels of explosive and possibly radioactive material in various places around my apartment, like in any decent action movie. That way, when there is an action-packed shoot-out in my apartment (as there inevitably will be), both stray bullets and strategically placed shots will create some pretty sweet explosions.
- Wait until the lottery’s jackpot is higher than the cost of buying every possible combination of numbers. For example, for 6/49, there are about 14 million combinations, so at $2 a ticket, when I win 32 million today, it’ll cover the 28 million for a guaranteed win, then I can pocket the difference.
- After squandering all my winnings because I failed to realize the one key flaw in the above reasoning, I will resume my plan to make several million dollars through scientificially questionable self-help books and/or selling t-shirts for my blog(s).
See also: Part One