I’ve lost quite a bit of weight in the last few weeks. People always seem to be wanting to lose weight. Evidence of this is on the radio here in London, where there is this ad that plays on FM96 every few minutes for a product called Evercleanse. It begins with “are you a woman or a man who wants to lose weight?” I guess people with no genitals should stop listening. It then describes how “some experts” say there is extra weight “clinging to the colon wall like spackle or paste” (see, I have this memorized because it really is on every 5 minutes). You know, another name for this substance clogging our colons is “food.” Evercleanse can get rid of this “food” by forcefully excreting it from your ass. Awesome.
No wait, that’s not awesome. Why do they let people put stuff that’s so obviously a scam on the radio?
Ah, but I have the real secret to weight loss, and I will share it with you for free, dear blog reader. Here are the secret steps to rapid weight loss:
- Break up with your significant other. Love is actually a heavy tar-like substance that clings to your stomach walls. Get rid of that shit.
- Make sure you share lots of stuff, like a house, so that splitting it up will cause lots of stress. Stress flushes out toxins and increases metabolism. (Unfortunately, this step didn’t work so much for me, because V is awesome and non-crazy so it wasn’t a messy divorce-like breakup like you see on TV. Maybe next time.)
- Sell that car you shared. This will A) cause much-needed stress; and B) force you to stop being such a lazy fatass and walk everywhere.
- You don’t need money. Money reduces stress and puts you within reach of the leading cause of weight gain: Food.
- Never have a back yard. That way, when your dog comes to visit, you have to take her for a walk every time she needs to pee. More exercise. Bonus if it’s -20 degrees outside. Extreme cold boosts antioxidants and balances chi.
I kid! I’m really not negative or cynical. It’s fun having slightly less fat and a bit more muscle than I used to have. I even trimmed my chest hair to see if I could really see my ribs and the vague outline of a six pack more than before, or if it was just an illusion. It wasn’t an illusion. Now I’m all itchy though. How do you gay people manage to keep things hairless without itchiness?
Is that unfair stereotyping?
No. It is not. YOU SHAVE YOUR CHEST BECAUSE YOU’RE GAY.
See also: Dr. Phronk’s Weight Loss Challenge.
Phronk.com 
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