I just thought of something. If one were to go on a diet (er, sorry, “make a lifestyle change”) in order to lose weight, it would have have beneficial effects apart from the loss of weight. I’m not talking about raising self esteem and feeling good, I’m talking about money. If one eats less, then one is spending less money on food. Then one can spend that money on such life-enriching things such as bocce ball (which leads to more exercise), booze (light beer, which causes more weight loss), and pornography (which leads to more exercise). So losing weight isn’t just good for your body, it’s good for your wallet.
I bring this up because lately I’ve been pretty intent on working out regularly. Yesterday, I tried increasing the weight on my crappy 10-year-old dumbells, but found that I didn’t have enough weights to do so. I would have been proud of myself for reaching this limit, but then I realized this meant that I need to go out and buy better weights. I want those cool ones you see in commericals, where you turn a knob and pull it out and it’s at the weight you want. But I have no money! Solution? Starve myself.
Of course, I see the flaw in this reasoning. Healthy food is more expensive than artery-clogging food. You can buy a 5-pound burger from a fast food place for $3.00, but 1 pound of organic tofu meat product will cost you $10.00. Approximately. This leaves me, then, with Dr. Phronk’s Ultimate Weight Loss Solution: One must eat cheap burgers until one can afford weights, then one must use those weights to lose the blobs of fat added by said burgers. Whenever one needs a new exercise machine (or surgery to remove the gross stretched skin that this Solution results in), one repeats the process.
It’s perfect. I should write a book on this.