Oink

I just thought of something. If one were to go on a diet (er, sorry, “make a lifestyle change”) in order to lose weight, it would have have beneficial effects apart from the loss of weight. I’m not talking about raising self esteem and feeling good, I’m talking about money. If one eats less, then one is spending less money on food. Then one can spend that money on such life-enriching things such as bocce ball (which leads to more exercise), booze (light beer, which causes more weight loss), and pornography (which leads to more exercise). So losing weight isn’t just good for your body, it’s good for your wallet.

I bring this up because lately I’ve been pretty intent on working out regularly. Yesterday, I tried increasing the weight on my crappy 10-year-old dumbells, but found that I didn’t have enough weights to do so. I would have been proud of myself for reaching this limit, but then I realized this meant that I need to go out and buy better weights. I want those cool ones you see in commericals, where you turn a knob and pull it out and it’s at the weight you want. But I have no money! Solution? Starve myself.

Of course, I see the flaw in this reasoning. Healthy food is more expensive than artery-clogging food. You can buy a 5-pound burger from a fast food place for $3.00, but 1 pound of organic tofu meat product will cost you $10.00. Approximately. This leaves me, then, with Dr. Phronk’s Ultimate Weight Loss Solution: One must eat cheap burgers until one can afford weights, then one must use those weights to lose the blobs of fat added by said burgers. Whenever one needs a new exercise machine (or surgery to remove the gross stretched skin that this Solution results in), one repeats the process.

It’s perfect. I should write a book on this.


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34 responses to “Oink”

  1. ~Deb Avatar

    Organic head of lettuce: $7.00Weight Watcher’s meeting: $12.00Weight Watcher’s dinner: $4.99Gym membership: $599.00Light beer & sex: Priceless

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  2.  Avatar

    Organic head of lettuce: $7.00Weight Watcher’s meeting: $12.00Weight Watcher’s dinner: $4.99Gym membership: $599.00Light beer & sex: Priceless

    Like

  3. The Stevo in H-Town Avatar

    Yeah…I figger ifya keep on eatin’-n-drinkin’ alldat less-expensive bad shit…you’ll save enuff money ferdat triple-bypass thatya may/maynot have inda future..“Life”…..It’sa swap-off..

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  4.  Avatar

    Yeah…I figger ifya keep on eatin’-n-drinkin’ alldat less-expensive bad shit…you’ll save enuff money ferdat triple-bypass thatya may/maynot have inda future..”Life”…..It’sa swap-off..

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  5. Jason Avatar

    Pride day may have been responsible for me gaining an extra 5 lbs. Now with this exam coming up, let’s just say salad is not cutting it.

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  6.  Avatar

    Pride day may have been responsible for me gaining an extra 5 lbs. Now with this exam coming up, let’s just say salad is not cutting it.

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  7. Timmy Avatar

    i see a flaw or two in this process. just dont eat any carbs. I lost a ton of weight that way.

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  8.  Avatar

    i see a flaw or two in this process. just dont eat any carbs. I lost a ton of weight that way.

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  9. Yamathan Contril Avatar

    Oh, no, Taste of Chicago …Not that I have such a dainty figure. : /Thanks for posting on my opening blog blurb, Phronk. Ah’m much oblidged.

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  10.  Avatar

    Oh, no, Taste of Chicago …Not that I have such a dainty figure. : /Thanks for posting on my opening blog blurb, Phronk. Ah’m much oblidged.

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  11. Crassius Maximus Avatar

    Nice. It is truly the paradox that drives us all…Eat well and not enjoy it, or eat like crap and lokk like it too.

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  12. Crassius Maximus Avatar

    look!!! Damnitt!!!

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  13.  Avatar

    Nice. It is truly the paradox that drives us all…Eat well and not enjoy it, or eat like crap and lokk like it too.

    Like

  14. madamerouge Avatar

    vegetables are inexpensivetofu = fart brick

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  15.  Avatar

    vegetables are inexpensivetofu = fart brick

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  16. Butchieboy Avatar

    Eat less, do more, drink shitloads of water.

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  17.  Avatar

    Eat less, do more, drink shitloads of water.

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  18. sarah Avatar

    I got stuck on your pornography leading to excercise… You’re implying that this leads to more sex, which is good excercise? Porn just leads to masturbation, yes? Not excercise except for you arm. Sorry to get stuck on the technicality. However, and once you work out that pornography problem, I’ll let you add this to your book with a footnote: if you’re going jogging for free around your neighbourhood all the time, you don’t have time to go out and spend money.And I’ve thought about this for way way way too long right about two paragraphs ago. Why do you pull me into your web of procrastination? why?!

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  19.  Avatar

    I got stuck on your pornography leading to excercise… You’re implying that this leads to more sex, which is good excercise? Porn just leads to masturbation, yes? Not excercise except for you arm. Sorry to get stuck on the technicality. However, and once you work out that pornography problem, I’ll let you add this to your book with a footnote: if you’re going jogging for free around your neighbourhood all the time, you don’t have time to go out and spend money.And I’ve thought about this for way way way too long right about two paragraphs ago. Why do you pull me into your web of procrastination? why?!

    Like

  20. As always... Rachael Avatar

    “Solution? Starve myself.” LOL!!!There is definiately a financial incentive to get fat and stay that way. Think maybe the health care system is behind it all? C’mon, go with me on this one. It’s been a long since Iv’e gnawed my way through a good conspiracy theory!

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  21.  Avatar

    “Solution? Starve myself.” LOL!!!There is definiately a financial incentive to get fat and stay that way. Think maybe the health care system is behind it all? C’mon, go with me on this one. It’s been a long since Iv’e gnawed my way through a good conspiracy theory!

    Like

  22. Phronk Avatar

    I will reply to everybody!~Deb: The secret to Weight Watchers is to know the secret point forumla ( POINTS = calories/50 + fat/12 – fibre/4 (maximum of 1)). I’m so cheap I have it memorized. 🙂Stevo: Yeah, life vs. hamburgers…tough choice.Jason: Exams are a perfectly valid excuse for stuffing your face.Indy: Flaw schmaw. I tried the low carb thing for a while…sure I lost weight, but I also felt like crap. I think I also lost my SOUL.Yamathan: Ugh, Taste of London! I forgot about that stuff…I hope it’s already over so more money and skinniness isn’t wasted.Crassius: True. And don’t worry, lokk is a perfectly cromulent word.Butchie: Get your unhealthy voodoo lifestyle advice off of my blog.Sarah: I only meant to imply masturbation. Get your mind out of the gutter, jeeze. Only exercise for your arm? Well, that depends on how creative you are. Your jogging idea is flawed because it does not allow time for cheese, burgers, or cheeseburgers. Now rebut me with more procrastination, because procrastination love company.Rachael: Maybe, but it’s more likely that < HREF="http://www.jays-xxx-links.com/links/fat.html" REL="nofollow">this guy<> is behind it.Too far?

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  23.  Avatar

    I will reply to everybody!~Deb: The secret to Weight Watchers is to know the secret point forumla ( POINTS = calories/50 + fat/12 – fibre/4 (maximum of 1)). I’m so cheap I have it memorized. :)Stevo: Yeah, life vs. hamburgers…tough choice.Jason: Exams are a perfectly valid excuse for stuffing your face.Indy: Flaw schmaw. I tried the low carb thing for a while…sure I lost weight, but I also felt like crap. I think I also lost my SOUL.Yamathan: Ugh, Taste of London! I forgot about that stuff…I hope it’s already over so more money and skinniness isn’t wasted.Crassius: True. And don’t worry, lokk is a perfectly cromulent word.Butchie: Get your unhealthy voodoo lifestyle advice off of my blog.Sarah: I only meant to imply masturbation. Get your mind out of the gutter, jeeze. Only exercise for your arm? Well, that depends on how creative you are. Your jogging idea is flawed because it does not allow time for cheese, burgers, or cheeseburgers. Now rebut me with more procrastination, because procrastination love company.Rachael: Maybe, but it’s more likely that this guy is behind it.Too far?

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  24. Shora Avatar

    It’s nice to see it’s not only the female of the species that obsesses over this stuff. Can we see a pic of your musc-les?

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  25.  Avatar

    It’s nice to see it’s not only the female of the species that obsesses over this stuff. Can we see a pic of your musc-les?

    Like

  26. The Stevo in H-Town Avatar

    Yeah…Atheism v Everlasing-Life…tough choice..Dani

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  27.  Avatar

    Yeah…Atheism v Everlasing-Life…tough choice..Dani

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  28. Yamathan Contril Avatar

    Phronk,We all have to deal with being offered really good food. Taste Of Chicago is just running the gammut.Finished tofu and TVP products are always more expensive than tofu. I’d say that simple tofu fills me up more, though.If you don’t go for some of the gimmicky crap, going vegetarian <>is<> less expensive. Resisting the urge to buy convenient crap is pretty hard, though.Well, it was, until I learned to amuse myself by frying tofu occasionally. (Cold tofu in hot olive oil goes “CRACKLE POP SNAP!”)

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  29.  Avatar

    Phronk,We all have to deal with being offered really good food. Taste Of Chicago is just running the gammut.Finished tofu and TVP products are always more expensive than tofu. I’d say that simple tofu fills me up more, though.If you don’t go for some of the gimmicky crap, going vegetarian is less expensive. Resisting the urge to buy convenient crap is pretty hard, though.Well, it was, until I learned to amuse myself by frying tofu occasionally. (Cold tofu in hot olive oil goes “CRACKLE POP SNAP!”)

    Like

  30. Superstar Avatar

    LOL ;o) Love the”diet” and sexerices advices!! LOL ;o) think it will help me get my boobs into my bridesmaid dress???

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  31. Phronk Avatar

    Shora, pics of me topless have been known to permanently blind those who are weak of will. It’s far too dangerous to post them here.Yamamathathan…sounds yummy. I had barbecued slices of tofu once, and it was surprisingly good.

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  32.  Avatar

    LOL ;o) Love the”diet” and sexerices advices!! LOL ;o) think it will help me get my boobs into my bridesmaid dress???

    Like

  33. your judgemental aunt Avatar

    more purge less binge

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  34.  Avatar

    more purge less binge

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