Lately, the #1 question asked about our smart car is “how does it handle in the snow?” The answer is “the same as any other car, dumbass.” I really found out how good it handled earlier today, when I got into a bit of a slippery situation. Let me tell you about it.
After my last encounter with Bigfoot, I studied the documents recovered from his trash. I deduced that his plan was to strike the Mercedes factory at midnight on the night of the winter solstice, hiding raw meat in every car coming off the line. Although Dracula was out of the picture, I had no doubt that Bigfoot would attempt to carry out the plan in his memory. So I activated the smart car’s jet capabilities and flew to Europe, determined to stop the plan from ever reaching fruition.
I came upon the factory in the dead of night. It was cold and blizzardy out, and I could feel my snot freeze as I got out of the car and watched the factory through some binoculars. All seemed normal, until a set of headlights suddenly shone right behind me! I pulled out my bow and arrow, ready to fire, but it was not Bigfoot who got out of the car. In the darkness, I first thought it was William Shatner who stood before me. However, as he drew closer, I saw that it was only Tom Hanks.
“Tom!” I said, “what are you doing here?”
“I’m here to promote my new movie, The Da Vinci Code, which features an exciting smart car chase in it. I heard about Sasquatch’s plan, and I thought that stopping it would be good publicity.”
“Interesting, Tom,” said I, “but I see no reporters. How will the public know about this act of heroism?”
“I knew that you would be writing about this on your world-famous blog,” said Tom flatteringly.
Before I could ask any more questions, there was a commotion at the factory. I looked through my binoculars just in time to see a flash of fur dart into the main doors. Two dead guards lay on the snowy ground. I immediately turned around to chase Bigfoot, but Tom stopped me. “Do you really think that’s ‘Smart’? Going after the mighty Sasquatch with only a bow and arrow?” he said. I knew he was right, and almost began to weep with despair. But then Tom placed an object in my hand. “This is no ordinary gun,” he explained, “this gun shoots TIME BULLETS. They will transport anything they hit to another time!”
I smiled, and gave Tom a nod of thanks. I charged into the factory, a bow in one hand and the time gun in the other. I followed a trail of dead bodies to Bigfoot, who was standing at the end of the assembly line with a bag of raw meat. I became even more angry when I noticed that it was kitten meat. Bastard! I fired the bow using my teeth, but it was no surprise that the arrow bounced right off of Bigfoot’s tough hide.
He looked at me, fire in his eyes. “You are the individual who has injured me grievously, and murdered my beloved husband” he roared with fury. “Have at you!”
The monster threw several half-completed smart cars at me, but I managed to shoot them out of the air with my bow. Bigfoot roared again, and charged straight at me. I took steady aim with the time gun, then fired. Unfortunately, the time bullet only struck his left leg. The leg was transported back in time with a flash of light.
I later read a history book describing the story of a poor family in 1920’s Europe who prayed to God for food, any food. A large hairy leg then appeared on their kitchen table. The family ate it, but described it as “stringy”, and later became atheists.
Anyway, before I could reload and fire again, Bigfoot managed to get into one of the cars coming off of the line. He wouldn’t have fit into it, had his left leg not been missing. Damn! He drove off at top speed as I got into another smart, giving chase.
As I drove away, I saw Tom Hanks outside. Bigfoot’s army of undead kangaroos had arrived, and Tom was fighting them off with a box of grenades. “Life is like a box of chocolates” he said, “you never know what the hell you’re gonna get!” Tom then pulled a handful of grenades out of the box and tossed them at the kangaroos, laughing maniacally the whole time.
Knowing Tom could take care of himself, I drove past. I chased Bigfoot for what seemed like hours, maneuvering down the twisting and narrow European roads. The car handled surprisingly well in the snow, though I slipped around a little bit. I think I’ll get snow tires for my own car. Finally, Bigfoot took a turn a bit too fast and crashed into a lightpost. The car exploded on impact, since lightposts in Europe use volatile gases as power. Bigfoot got out of the car, his fur on fire.
The monster has survived my attacks before, so I knew that I really had to finish him off this time. I stepped on the gas and aimed the car toward him. I made sure the time gun was on the seat beside me, then activated the smart car’s self destruct feature. The car struck Bigfoot, catching him on the roof, and I jumped out of the car door, rolling in the snow. The car traveled a few more feet, then exploded. The fire caused all the time bullets in the gun to go off at once, opening a portal through time in the middle of the road.
Through the portal, all I could see was bright red light. I immediately knew that it was a portal to the distant future, when the sun had swallowed the earth and life as we know it no longer existed. The shell of the car careened into the portal, right into the center of the sun, and I briefly saw the outline of Bigfoot’s skeleton before he was completely incinerated.
My mission was complete. I had finally destroyed Bigfoot, the symbol of everything that is wrong with the world. I had a party that night and invited Tom Hanks, but he didn’t come. I might have to kill him next.
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about my experiences so far with the smart car. This story has been 100% true. Bye now.