On Cartoons

Ok picture this: you’re sitting in a crowded movie theatre watching Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” for the first time. It’s a pretty good movie, so you’re starting to get into it. You sit back, eating popcorn and drinking pop that you smuggled in from the variety store next door (because pop is WAY too expensive in movie theatres), and you’re letting your mind think the random thoughts it normally thinks while watching a movie. “It would be kinda cool to live underwater”, you think. “Wow, this movie is sure animated well”, you notice. And then a thought comes out of nowhere: “Hmmm, I wonder what’s under those seashells that Ariel’s wearing?”

At first you’re embarassed that you’d even consider thinking such dirty thoughts about a cartoon character. But then you look closely at Ariel, in all her big screen glory, and realize that she really is pretty damn hot. Especially after she loses that fish tail.

Perhaps this hasn’t happened to you (especially if you’re female), but statistics show that over 73% of all heterosexual males have found a cartoon character attractive at least once in their lives. Like most statistics, I just made those ones up, but I’m sure it’s pretty close to the truth. Think about it: cartoons are physically perfect. They have perfect skin, big, bright eyes, and curvy bodies. The animators at Disney make them this way on purpose. You wanna know why? Here’s a statistic so obvious I didn’t even have to make it up: 95% of the people at Disney are horny bastards.

If you need proof of this, simply go down to your local video store and look at the box of The Little Mermaid. See those towers in the background? Isn’t their shape a little…odd? Ok, now actually rent the movie, and fast forward to the part where Ariel and some guy are getting married or something. Keep an eye on the little priest guy, especially his crotchal area. You can’t blame him really…I mean, if I saw Ariel in real life, I think my pants would be feeling a little tighter too.

I once saw a TV show about the making of Beauty and the Beast. The people at Disney spent a lot of time researching exactly what the beast should look like. They went through pictures of various animals and monsters from past works of fiction, and eventually decided he should look kinda like a baboon. So why shouldn’t they do the same thing for the women in their movies? They could look through pictures of actresses and porn stars, find the best parts from all of them, and put them all together in one bundle of cartoon perfection.

“Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon ‘cuz that cartoon has got the boom anime babes that make me think the wrong thing”
–Barenaked Ladies

The people at Disney aren’t the only ones guilty of teasing us with images of attractive people that aren’t even real. Look at Sailor Moon. I hear that in the original Japanese version of the show, they actually got naked once in a while. The existence of this “anime” or “japanimation” (those movies you see in video stores that say THESE CARTOONS ARE DEFINITELY NOT FOR KIDS, YOU MUST BE 18 TO RENT THEM written on them) alone proves that I’m not the only one who’s looking at cartoons as more than cute happy fuzzy animals.

Speaking of animals…perhaps I’m going too far here, but I think the love interest in Disney’s version of Robin Hood was a real fox. (Sorry, that was a horrible joke).

Ok by now you’re probably thinking that this Phronk character is as much of a horny bastard as the people at Disney. Well, maybe I am, but I admit it so it’s ok. And you should too. So the next time you’re watching a Disney movie and the main female character comes on, stop trying to tell yourself that she’s just a cartoon character, that’s she’s not kinda cute. Disney has done years of research to make you think otherwise, and you would never want to let Disney down, would you?

P.S. Mulan doesn’t count. The fact that she could pass as a man by cutting her hair says enough.